Choices

What do I want?

I avoid answering this question all the time. When I attempt to give an answer to make it sound like I actually know what I want, It comes out as a contradiction. Here is the honest truth...are you ready??
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!
I don't know where I want to live, what I want to do when I grow up, who I want to spend the rest of my life with, where I want to go on vacation next, what I'm want to wear today, what I want to eat for dinner.....this list goes on.
I don't know why I have such a hard time deciding these things. Am I afraid of commitment? Am I afraid of missing out on something? Am I afraid that if i decide on one thing and then change my mind....that is it...I am stuck? I want to know what I really want, but I don't know how to figure it out. I change my mind constantly...so it's entirely possible that what I think I might want now could change by tomorrow...
I rest my case.

Crazy

I guess I just need to write more. I'm not sleeping at night...I have random thoughts running through my head about everything. Why can't I quiet my mind? Why does it seem so impossible to just sit still? I don't want to read...I don't want to write, but I sound crazy to myself when I try to express what I'm feeling to anyone else. Am I going to go through my emotional cycles forever? Is it just part of the cards I've been dealt in life? I don't want to believe it. I want to believe that I'm going to be better, and that I actually might be able to live and lead a normal (whatever normal is) life.
People keep telling me that I have to love myself first before anyone else can really love me. This whole concept is really confusing because I do love parts of myself, and I hate other parts of myself. Sometimes I annoy myself, and sometimes I surprise myself...in a good way. I make my self proud and I disappoint myself. There seems to be as much on the positive end as the negative end as far as "loving myself" goes. So do I love the negative? I find that hardly possible when all I can focus on is try to change these things. I don't think anyone really "loves" everything about themselves.....so...does that make them doomed to be unlovable for the rest of their lives?? How sad! It really can't be the case. But so far...my track record is proving this theory. I am supposedly loved when I'm on an "I love Natalie" high....and when do I get dumped?? When I'm on a "who the hell is this person inside of me??" low. I absolutely refuse to be positive when I'm not feeling that way. I think that is a complete denial of reality. But I don't know...maybe people want constant positivity...or people that are always down thrive off of constant negativity. The mental headache that this whole idea is giving me is almost worth taking a time out from the world for a while because I just don't want to deal with having to think about how I'm going to be.

This moment in time

This moment in time is gone.
This moment cannot be grasped...it can not be contained.
I am thinking about the last moment and I just missed my present.
Why do I wait for moments, and Why do I wish for moments that were?
The past haunts me like a shadow in this quiet moment.
This is my moment. This is now.
This moment is all I have, but I cannot have it.
This moment is all I really know, but I cannot be defined by it.
This moment has come and gone.
This moment goes by unnoticed.

This moment

This moment is changing....right now.

I am sad...I am confused...I am writing.

The TV is playing music....the music just stopped.

I am soaking wet...it is raining.

It is dark. It is quiet.

The music just started again.

I am sitting still.

My fingers are moving quickly across the keyboard.

I can hear a movie playing downstairs.

This moment is changing...right now.

I am angry...I feel guilty...I am writing.

Life feels surreal...I am here.

I don't want to be here....I don't know where I want to be.

I feel warm...It is warm inside.

The trees are still...The air is wet.

The clouds are weeping...Are they weeping for me?

I feel like I could weep with them.

This moment is changing...right....now...

Why am I so sad?

Silence

I have been "blog silent" for nearly a month and a half now. Silence on paper usually, for me, means chaos in my head. Most of my silence has been due to unfinished posts, and the fact that I spent a month down in mexico without my computer. None the less at 11:55pm on a wednesday night...I've decided to break the silence. I've been laying in bed for about 20 minutes now...just thinking about life in general, and about my journey over the past year.

I'm so hard on myself....no matter what is going on. If things are good..they're not good enough. If things are bad...well, in my mind, I better do absolutely everything I can possibly do to make them better. If things are mediocre, then I'm definitely settling, and I better get "on it" in life and be proactive so that things will be the best they can. But here's the question....What exactly is the best? Is the "bad" the best because it helps me to grow? Is the "good" the best because it feels good? Or is the "mediocre" the best because it challenges me not to settle in life? Interesting....because it ALL has it's place, and really none of it is good or bad...it's just LIFE, right? Everything has it's place, and without the balance of it all...there would not be any opposite to define the other.

At the moment, I'm not sure what I want. I don't know where I'm going. I'm sort of satisfied to not know at all, and take each day and opportunity as it comes. Okay...that's not entirely true. I'm a very curious person, and I really like the thought of exploring alot of possibilities merely because if I don't, I will wonder. It's just how I am. I have a hard time saying no to anything because I want to know what it is like. I've just spent two months traveling....the traveling experience was completely different than what I had planned it to be six months ago. Now, I'm home..trying to figure out exactly what my life is...where my place is...and what I want. The answers have definitely not come to me in 5 days. I'm not exactly sure why I thought that they would. I don't know why I always think things are going to just fall into place, and I'm going to have all the answers....especially after I've had so many similar situations where that hasn't been the case AT ALL! I think at this point, maybe, I'm not ready to have any answers. Even if they were sitting right in front of me, I would doubt them. Right now, I need to be at peace with not knowing..which is really really hard for me because I always want to know...it's the curiousity.

So here I am...sitting in my room....actually, I'm laying on my yoga mat on the floor...thinking. What am I looking for in life? And frankly I don't know....

I need to come to grips with the fact that I don't have to know.

The bus

I'm sitting here waiting, packed and ready, to go to the bus station and take a 13 hour overnight bus ride to Pucon. We are in "semi-cama"...which is pretty nice...but it's nothing compared to "cama". The "cama" is the equivalent of a first class seat on a train or plane....except it's super cheap...It's about 10 dollars more. But even cheap isn't cheap enough for me at this point. I'm running out of money so much faster than I expected, and it's really a bummer. I'm over-analyzing what I'm spending money on, if it is worth it, if i'm being excessive...etc. Really, the situation is, I'm buying food...at the grocery store mostly...I'm hardly going out, and the rest is spent on transportation which really isn't that expensive. I guess I'm just realizing how hard it is to not work, and still have enough money to sustain you for a long period of time. The thing is, I will not go back to work unitl December 1st. So, I'm worried...I have a pretty inexpensive plan for the next couple of months, but what if I run out of money? I guess it will just add to my little adventure...the bottom line is...things always work out.

Sooo...back to the bus. The last time I was on the bus we got upgraded to "CAMA"!!! And...it was free! The saddest part about this whole experience was that we were sick the whole way home. So thank God we got upgraded...but those poor passengers in the Cama...who paid for the Cama! They had to deal with two sick girls and a lavatory that smelled like puke. Maybe that was a little too much information.... Anyway, I have not had the chance yet to fully rock the "Cama" experience. All things considering...the "semi-cama" is much more comfortable than a coach cabin seat in the plane. You can actually sort of stretch out and sleep comfortably, and the seats DO recline a fair bit. Needless to say, our 13 hour ride on the bus in the "semi-cama" will hopefully equal 8 hours of sleep for me....hopefully. That is all.....Cama vs. Semi-cama.....my vote: CAMA!!!

The computer...

I am starting to wonder about my computer habits....

Originally, coming here to Chile, I was suppose to be computerless. My computer, which was pretty much a piece of crap anyway, was stolen when my car was vandalized in June. I'm sure that thief was so excited when he/she found out that OSX was failing, the CDrom was broken, the battery didn't hold a charge, and the computer pretty much decided when IT wanted to "sleep". None the less, the computer worked for me sometimes, and that was better than no computer at all. I couldn't and still can't afford to buy a new computer...so that left me stuck with nothing...until my dear friend decided to get a new computer herself and lend me her old one (Thanks Amy:)). That presents the situation I have now which is this: I AM ALWAYS ON THE COMPUTER!!! And I have some major computer shame...I am becoming an "In the closet" facebooker, skyper, g-chatter, etc. And you ask...what do I mean by "In the closet"?? Well, I'll tell you! I've discovered the status of "invisible" or "seen as offline". Whatever you want to call it for each different online chatting community...It is there. So, when my computer shame starts to set in....I change my status so that people won't know how much time I am spending on my computer. I thought I had this unique problem until today when a friend of mine confessed that she does the SAME THING! So...that leaves me with a big question for everyone out there...How many of you are "in the closet" these days, hmm?? Maybe there are only two of us, but I have a feeling there are more. And, honestly, I think it's really funny...which is why I'm blogging about it.