Silence

I have been "blog silent" for nearly a month and a half now. Silence on paper usually, for me, means chaos in my head. Most of my silence has been due to unfinished posts, and the fact that I spent a month down in mexico without my computer. None the less at 11:55pm on a wednesday night...I've decided to break the silence. I've been laying in bed for about 20 minutes now...just thinking about life in general, and about my journey over the past year.

I'm so hard on myself....no matter what is going on. If things are good..they're not good enough. If things are bad...well, in my mind, I better do absolutely everything I can possibly do to make them better. If things are mediocre, then I'm definitely settling, and I better get "on it" in life and be proactive so that things will be the best they can. But here's the question....What exactly is the best? Is the "bad" the best because it helps me to grow? Is the "good" the best because it feels good? Or is the "mediocre" the best because it challenges me not to settle in life? Interesting....because it ALL has it's place, and really none of it is good or bad...it's just LIFE, right? Everything has it's place, and without the balance of it all...there would not be any opposite to define the other.

At the moment, I'm not sure what I want. I don't know where I'm going. I'm sort of satisfied to not know at all, and take each day and opportunity as it comes. Okay...that's not entirely true. I'm a very curious person, and I really like the thought of exploring alot of possibilities merely because if I don't, I will wonder. It's just how I am. I have a hard time saying no to anything because I want to know what it is like. I've just spent two months traveling....the traveling experience was completely different than what I had planned it to be six months ago. Now, I'm home..trying to figure out exactly what my life is...where my place is...and what I want. The answers have definitely not come to me in 5 days. I'm not exactly sure why I thought that they would. I don't know why I always think things are going to just fall into place, and I'm going to have all the answers....especially after I've had so many similar situations where that hasn't been the case AT ALL! I think at this point, maybe, I'm not ready to have any answers. Even if they were sitting right in front of me, I would doubt them. Right now, I need to be at peace with not knowing..which is really really hard for me because I always want to know...it's the curiousity.

So here I am...sitting in my room....actually, I'm laying on my yoga mat on the floor...thinking. What am I looking for in life? And frankly I don't know....

I need to come to grips with the fact that I don't have to know.