I've been having these dreams lately where I get really upset with people who are taking advantage or me or not respecting me as a person. Wierd...I guess sometimes I am too nice. I feel upset about things or like I shouldn't be treated a certain way, but I let it go and don't say anything because I give others the benefit of the doubt by putting myself in their shoes and realizing where they are coming from. Alot of times I feel like people do really mean or just inconsiderate things because they are hurting in their own lives.
The problem is...I have to find a balance. On one hand, this understanding I have is a gift, but on the other hand...I hurt myself by not standing up and holding a standard for the respect and kindness I deserve. So where do I draw the line and is it even worth it? That is the question...
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Inspiration
Hmm...yeah inspiration is something i am majorly lacking at the moment. I've got this major trip to Europe planned in the fall...or not so planned. Basically, I'm going...but don't know what i'm going to do yet. That is all still in the works. Why am I not excited?
I feel so trapped right now. In my head, in my life, in my heart...just trapped. I don't know how to get out, and some days i don't care. Some days, i just sleep alot so that i can escape in my dreams because in that world I can be anything or anybody, and i can say what i want to say. I am the hero in my dreams...I mean something in my dreams...I have great power and ability in my dreams...enough to make me proud of who I am. Then I wake up. In my real life...I have no home, no voice, no strength. I feel meaningless and invisible...i feel like if the wind blew hard enough my physical being could disintegrate into the breeze...and that would actually make me happy. To fly around with the wind in small particles...free...flying...looking down at everything and everyone. No one would see me...no one could hold me or trap me. I would truely be free to go where ever i want...enjoy whatever i want....without hurting anyone. Like mist...that sounds nice.
What i don't understand is why i let this happen to myself...why i become so weak and why i can not be strong. I try to speak and nothing comes out of my mouth...or i studder...STUDDER!! i have never studdered so much in my whole entire life! It would be nice if i could laugh at myself, but it's really not that funny.
All i know is that i want this to end. I want to be strong. I want to be happy, healthy, and vibrant. Right now, I'm not.
I feel so trapped right now. In my head, in my life, in my heart...just trapped. I don't know how to get out, and some days i don't care. Some days, i just sleep alot so that i can escape in my dreams because in that world I can be anything or anybody, and i can say what i want to say. I am the hero in my dreams...I mean something in my dreams...I have great power and ability in my dreams...enough to make me proud of who I am. Then I wake up. In my real life...I have no home, no voice, no strength. I feel meaningless and invisible...i feel like if the wind blew hard enough my physical being could disintegrate into the breeze...and that would actually make me happy. To fly around with the wind in small particles...free...flying...looking down at everything and everyone. No one would see me...no one could hold me or trap me. I would truely be free to go where ever i want...enjoy whatever i want....without hurting anyone. Like mist...that sounds nice.
What i don't understand is why i let this happen to myself...why i become so weak and why i can not be strong. I try to speak and nothing comes out of my mouth...or i studder...STUDDER!! i have never studdered so much in my whole entire life! It would be nice if i could laugh at myself, but it's really not that funny.
All i know is that i want this to end. I want to be strong. I want to be happy, healthy, and vibrant. Right now, I'm not.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)