I guess I just need to write more. I'm not sleeping at night...I have random thoughts running through my head about everything. Why can't I quiet my mind? Why does it seem so impossible to just sit still? I don't want to read...I don't want to write, but I sound crazy to myself when I try to express what I'm feeling to anyone else. Am I going to go through my emotional cycles forever? Is it just part of the cards I've been dealt in life? I don't want to believe it. I want to believe that I'm going to be better, and that I actually might be able to live and lead a normal (whatever normal is) life.
People keep telling me that I have to love myself first before anyone else can really love me. This whole concept is really confusing because I do love parts of myself, and I hate other parts of myself. Sometimes I annoy myself, and sometimes I surprise myself...in a good way. I make my self proud and I disappoint myself. There seems to be as much on the positive end as the negative end as far as "loving myself" goes. So do I love the negative? I find that hardly possible when all I can focus on is try to change these things. I don't think anyone really "loves" everything about themselves.....so...does that make them doomed to be unlovable for the rest of their lives?? How sad! It really can't be the case. But so far...my track record is proving this theory. I am supposedly loved when I'm on an "I love Natalie" high....and when do I get dumped?? When I'm on a "who the hell is this person inside of me??" low. I absolutely refuse to be positive when I'm not feeling that way. I think that is a complete denial of reality. But I don't know...maybe people want constant positivity...or people that are always down thrive off of constant negativity. The mental headache that this whole idea is giving me is almost worth taking a time out from the world for a while because I just don't want to deal with having to think about how I'm going to be.
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