The bus

I'm sitting here waiting, packed and ready, to go to the bus station and take a 13 hour overnight bus ride to Pucon. We are in "semi-cama"...which is pretty nice...but it's nothing compared to "cama". The "cama" is the equivalent of a first class seat on a train or plane....except it's super cheap...It's about 10 dollars more. But even cheap isn't cheap enough for me at this point. I'm running out of money so much faster than I expected, and it's really a bummer. I'm over-analyzing what I'm spending money on, if it is worth it, if i'm being excessive...etc. Really, the situation is, I'm buying food...at the grocery store mostly...I'm hardly going out, and the rest is spent on transportation which really isn't that expensive. I guess I'm just realizing how hard it is to not work, and still have enough money to sustain you for a long period of time. The thing is, I will not go back to work unitl December 1st. So, I'm worried...I have a pretty inexpensive plan for the next couple of months, but what if I run out of money? I guess it will just add to my little adventure...the bottom line is...things always work out.

Sooo...back to the bus. The last time I was on the bus we got upgraded to "CAMA"!!! And...it was free! The saddest part about this whole experience was that we were sick the whole way home. So thank God we got upgraded...but those poor passengers in the Cama...who paid for the Cama! They had to deal with two sick girls and a lavatory that smelled like puke. Maybe that was a little too much information.... Anyway, I have not had the chance yet to fully rock the "Cama" experience. All things considering...the "semi-cama" is much more comfortable than a coach cabin seat in the plane. You can actually sort of stretch out and sleep comfortably, and the seats DO recline a fair bit. Needless to say, our 13 hour ride on the bus in the "semi-cama" will hopefully equal 8 hours of sleep for me....hopefully. That is all.....Cama vs. Semi-cama.....my vote: CAMA!!!

The computer...

I am starting to wonder about my computer habits....

Originally, coming here to Chile, I was suppose to be computerless. My computer, which was pretty much a piece of crap anyway, was stolen when my car was vandalized in June. I'm sure that thief was so excited when he/she found out that OSX was failing, the CDrom was broken, the battery didn't hold a charge, and the computer pretty much decided when IT wanted to "sleep". None the less, the computer worked for me sometimes, and that was better than no computer at all. I couldn't and still can't afford to buy a new computer...so that left me stuck with nothing...until my dear friend decided to get a new computer herself and lend me her old one (Thanks Amy:)). That presents the situation I have now which is this: I AM ALWAYS ON THE COMPUTER!!! And I have some major computer shame...I am becoming an "In the closet" facebooker, skyper, g-chatter, etc. And you ask...what do I mean by "In the closet"?? Well, I'll tell you! I've discovered the status of "invisible" or "seen as offline". Whatever you want to call it for each different online chatting community...It is there. So, when my computer shame starts to set in....I change my status so that people won't know how much time I am spending on my computer. I thought I had this unique problem until today when a friend of mine confessed that she does the SAME THING! So...that leaves me with a big question for everyone out there...How many of you are "in the closet" these days, hmm?? Maybe there are only two of us, but I have a feeling there are more. And, honestly, I think it's really funny...which is why I'm blogging about it.

Yoga

One of the really unexpected highlights of my trip is the yoga studio I've started going to in Vina. They have Ashtanga, Kundalini, and Iyengar classes available...all of which are amazing. Most of the intructors have trained in India, and they speak English although the classes are in Spanish.

The class I have attended most frequently is the Ashtanga yoga class...the reason is you are required to go 3 times a week to stay in the class. It's like taking gymnastics...I feel like I'm being trained physically and mentally for some competition....or exhibition...I'm not sure which. The main teacher is hardcore...and honestly, I'm not always in the mood for his intensity. For instance, If I'm having a bad (weak) day and I can't do certain things, he sort of barks at me in English to "have straight arms" or "put my fingers together" or "ground my feet"...blah blah...you get the picture. Sometimes...he'll just grab my body and make it do what it's suppose to. I'm not kidding! As he's doing it, I wonder how he would react if my bones just broke. It's crazy, but nice because I feel challenged, and I feel like someone knows what I'm capable of and doesn't settle for my laziness. It doesn't always make me excited but it's good for me. It's like someone calling me on my bullshit and challenging me to be better...I love it and I hate it.

The really cool thing is that the entire practice is done to the rhythm of breath. So I can do it without a video, instructor, or music...just in silence, on my own, and I don't have to worry about not holding the pose for long enough or not doing it right. Once i learn it, I don't really have to think about it, It simply becomes a breath instructed flow.

The Kundalini yoga classes always make me sleepy. In fact, the first one i went to was a three hour long classs and I slept through two thirds of it. It is of course in Spanish, but you can feel the love...really. It is so peaceful. So much so that it literally puts me in that in between state of sleeping and being awake. It feels SO nice.

Tomorrow morning will be the last class for me before I leave Vina...and it's going to be an Ashtanga class. I'm secretly hoping Mr. hardcore isn't teaching tomorrow morning...I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed.

So many questions...

Right now...for some reason...I feel so disconnected...from people, from home, from my life, and even sometimes from myself. I seriously sometimes look at my thoughts and my emotional state and think "who are you and what have you done with me??" The interesting thing is that those moments of feeling utterly disconnected make me notice when connection happens even if it is on an unspoken level. For example, I have made friends here in Chile...most of which speak very little to no English...yet we can hang out...even if very little is communicated and it is comfortable and fun. I have this one friend and her and I can hardly communicate with eachother, but our connection is so strong that when we smile at eachother, I can feel love; and when we give eachother a hug...it is a good hug...like one you give your best friend. I can go surfing with her and barely talk and know that both of us are having a great time.

It makes me wonder why people ignore connections. Why am I so desperate to connect? To something to anything...why can't I quiet that desperation? Is that a bad thing?..sometimes I make myself feel like it is. Why do I hate strong feelings? I do...honestly. I think that anything that makes me truly feel vulnerable in any way scares the crap out of me. I try so hard to protect myself from feeling too much or feeling too deeply. I want to have that wall so that I can't be hurt, and to a certain degree, so that I can't hurt others too much. Today I was walking on the beach...completely frustrated by my thoughts and my feelings...ready to have a little cry sesh for no really good reason, and I actually thought to myself, "Hmm...it would be nice if I had access to medication that would just numb these feelings..." I mean SERIOUSLY! What is my state of mind coming to that I would actually consider that? That's how people get addicted to drugs!

I have struggled with depression for 8 years now...and it sucks...let me just say. I spent the whole beginning of this year testing out different medications. Some of which worked...or worked for a little while, but mostly all of them just served as a bandaid for my real problems...or maybe i wouldn't call them problems...just things that I needed to address in my life. About a month and a half ago, I decided to take myself off the medication and for the most part, I am doing well...At first, I had to deal with drug withdrawls...which felt really wierd, and now, I just have to deal with the fact that I don't always feel numb, and sometimes that is hard. I am constantly reminded of how much I desire to harness the strength that I know I have as an individual. I guess that is the hard part because sometimes, I can be really motivated and positive towards the challenges I personally face in my life, and sometimes, I just want to crawl into a hole and have it all go away. The problem is that crawling into a hole makes me depressed. The honest truth is I need community, love, and support...and when i hide, I shut myself off from the world that I so desperately need to feel connected to. It's funny that when I'm in that state and I think I am helping myself, I am actually hurting myself more and ultimately, making it harder to get better. Anyhow, this is my struggle...this is my little demon that follows me where ever I go, and what I am realizing is that I need to re-enforce the voice of truth in my head so that I can quiet the lies when they come, and I need to get out of my head sometimes and embrace the world around me.

I was watching people take pictures today, and I thought to myself...how many pictures all over the world have me in the background? And what about the people in the background of my photos? Who are they...what are they like...what is their story? The world is SO much bigger than my personal life....why do I feel like the world is falling apart when I feel like I'm falling apart, and why do I think anyone cares enough to notice? That sounds really horrible, but it is one of my insecurities...when I'm not doing well, I think that everyone can see, but the truth is...NO ONE notices....so I don't have to feel insecure.

Now I've just spilled my guts in my blog...I'm really just having a moment and I needed to write about it. One thing I've realized is that sharing the good with the bad makes me feel whole because really in life...the reality is...there will be ups...there will be downs, and the beauty of friendship is that you have the freedom to expose both.

What is most important in life?

People! Friends, Family, and just generally having people around. And secondly, the experiences you have...which are even more meaningful if they are had with the people you love and care about.

In Chile, Lunch is the big meal of the day...it's actually more like lunch/dinner since it can last for 3,4-7 hours. People drink...eat....drink...and eat.......and they do it all very, very slowly. Cleaning up is not a part of the occasion, unless you need the dishes for dessert or cups for more pisco sour. The soul purpose of a sit down lunch with people is to enjoy your time and conversation with those people...nothing else. It's actually a very beautiful thing, and for me, it was a little wake up call about how things should be (and I am not typically someone who rushes through meals). Yesterday, I was invited to join Jamie's room mate and his close friends for their pre-bicentennial celebration "fonda" at the house. Jamie was at work so this was an opportunity to force myself to practice spanish even if it just mean listening to them. The lunch started at 2pm. We drank pisco sours and ate empanadas and talked for an hour and a half...then we sat down to lunch at about 3:30/4ish. We ate and drank for 2 more hours...so by this time...the meal could have been considered dinner. I gathered the dishes and started washing up...to help out. I went to lay down for a little while because my stomach was still a little weak after being sick and they told me they would come get me for dessert. This happened about...oh...an hour (maybe more) later. When I tried to clean up after dessert...they told me to leave it...like I was some crazy gringa who just wanted to clean all the time! Pretty funny. They ended up hanging out...talking...and listening to music until almost 9 pm, and that was considered a lunch party!

So, I started thinking about how, in America, we try to put everything into time slots...maximizing our lives so we can "make time count" or "get the most out of the day". This isn't always true... on Thanksgiving and Christmas, we tend to relax a little bit more, but in general, I think it's a cultural problem. What is success anyway? Having lots of money? Working 40+ hours a week? Doing alot? or is it finding peace in life and sharing it with people who you love and value without a standard or expectation of how that should be done. When you've written your story and you come to the end of your life....what is really going to make you smile when you look back? I love to travel, but I've realized more on this trip that even traveling alone is not as rich as sharing my experiences with someone else. Otherwise, it's sort of a great lonely experience that only I can relate to. I feel like it's time to wake up, and stop waiting for the "time to be right"...make life rich now, do it with the people you love, and savor every minute of it. Life is short. You never know what the future holds...and there is nothing to wait for....time doesn't wait for anyone.

I love all of you...my beautiful, supportive family...my wonderful friends. My life would not be the same without you in it. :)

The irony of "living the dream"

I feel like I watch alot of documentaries and videos...I hear alot of stories, and they all make being on the road and experiencing new places sound so glamorous. It's like it's all one big adventure, and you see people living through this crazy stuff, and they are completely positive and stoked to be on their journey doing what they are doing. It leaves me behind with this standard for how my attitude should always be. I mean...I'm traveling...I'm in a new country having amazing experiences...and if those experiences are not quite what you would classify as amazing at the very least they are new. So, I had an epiphany last night as I laid in bed shivering and sweating...after a 9 hour bus ride from Pisco Elqui back to Vina Del Mar where both Jamie and I had our first "puke on the bus while it was moving experience". The epiphany: Those frickin movies are edited!!!! And those "adventurers" get to chose that their most shameful moments where they just crack and have horrible attitudes are not put in the movie!

This past week from last Tuesday until now has been a rollercoaster ride for me. I am in Chile on vacation...lots of people would be dying to do what I am doing. However, I have gone from having a blast to wanting to jump the next plane home and call this trip quits...several times! From struggling constantly with my communication to being homesick because I only have one friend here who speaks English, I have felt lonely during the days when I'm by myself. Even the books and the movies at the theater are in Spanish! That's great on somedays when I'm having a super positive ambitious attitude about the learning experience, but on the days when I don't, I just feel disconnected. I figured out on Thursday of last week, that it was more important than I thought to limit my time in the city because, for the hundredth time, I was reminded that I need wide open spaces...I thrive in nature, and when crowded touristy coastline is all of nature I can experience...it's only semi sufficient (but better than being surrounded by buildings of course). As I was trying to figure out what to do next on this trip, I encountered a major set back in the transportation department. Apparently, I was misinformed and I am not allowed to be traveling on partner airlines with my flight benefits. So....since I never bought a plane ticket home from Chile...I am stuck here unless I pay about 1000 bucks for a flight home. All I want to do is get to Mexico! I'm still in the process of figuring this out, but my world travel options for the next 3 months just got limited to the US, Canada, and Mexico. The part that made me feel bad was the fact that I didn't prepare very well...which is so typical me...one of the things I love and hate about myself.

This whole situation was put on hold for a weekend get away...to the Elqui Valley! This place is also referred to as "Valle de las Estrellas" (the valley of the stars). Astronomers come out here to do research, and it is a highly spiritually active center where there have even been several UFO sightings as well. It was referred to in an article as "Tibet's South American brother". Apparently, the main spiritual hill there "Cerra Cancana" had it's energy levels measured by NASA and they were measured the highest in the world. Pretty amazing! Anyhow, the experience was incredible. The valley is surrounded by mountains and there are grape vineyards everywhere. They export "table grapes" to the US and Europe, and they also grow the grapes for some wine and mainly, the countries signature alcohol pisco. Needless to say just hiking up and down the roads in the valley here was beautiful....as well as sitting down for a bottle of wine at any of the terrace restaurants. There was this cute little spot where we hung out for 2 nights in a row where they had a bonfire on the roof. You could drink wine, eat, and watch the stars. It was also very social so we made friends both nights, and heard endless stories about the valley and the history, etc...

The most interesting part of our little adventure (which was probably also the most fun) was our 60 km bike ride up and down the hills of the valley. We rode for 3 1/2 hours! Why you ask? Well...it could have been for pure pleasure, but the real purpose was cash...we'd run out of cash and the nearest atm was 60kms away! We spent the ride making random stops...totally being true to our Northwest roots....wine tasting...beer tasting...etc. Unfortunately the beer spot was closed (it was Sunday), but the path led us through the streets of a very cute, small Chilean town. We made a bathroom stop and caught a couple minutes of a sunday soccer game..which seemed to be the big event...in American standards, it looked like high school soccer practice. But the locals in the town were all fired up! When we got to Vicuna (the city with the bank), we realized that the atms only took mastercards and we had visa....thank God that there was another atm in the pharmacy that did take visa....so it all worked out. We took the bus back....40 minutes later we were back in Pisco Elqui feeling very hard core!

The trip ended with the senario I mentioned at the beginning of this very long blog...we got sick yesterday and spent the whole ride home with a severe case of food poisoning...and I got robbed. I had to sit next to the guy who did it the whole way home. I've never been so angry in my life...good thing I was sick...otherwise I might have strangled him or punched him or something. Instead I just had to sit there SO angry because when I tried to confront him...he claimed he didn't understand my spanish...and when the bus steward confronted him, he just denied everything....little pinche!

So, that's all...the ups and downs right? I'm sitting here this morning drinking coffee...better but weak. I still need to eat something, but don't really feel like cooking...and this afternoon begins all of our independence week celebrations with a party at the house. Viva los Fondas!!

angry ocean

The past two mornings, I've been running on the beach..the fog has been thick and the fog horns have been blowing. I have been meditating on the fact that life is like the ocean.

Today and yesterday, the ocean has been angry...crashing..invisible, and scary...completely unpredictable expecially because the fog makes the ocean and it's mood unreadable until the angry, loud, whipping waves crash up on shore. It's a total shore break so until it pounds onto the sand, the ocean seems put together and in a good place.

The ocean reminds me of my life...wild, unpredictable, beyond grasp, but good. It puts things into perspective for me. Somtimes life involves alot of "the ocean" tossing a person around....and literally all you can give youself credit for is staying afloat. There is so much turmoil in life...too much suffering and too much pain. But is it too much if it shapes us into who we are?

Sometimes...getting lost just sucks

The buses in Chile are a huge challenge for me...actually the language barrier is the root of the challenge. I can't even begin to let out my frustration right now. First of all I am tired so everything I say is said in that context. I put my contacts in for the second time on this trip and dropped one in the sink. I rinsed it off, but apparently not well enough, and now my eye (without contact) is red, and my vision is cloudy...just a little freaky considering i don't speak spanish and at the moment no one is home and I have no one to console me...I'm freaking out that infection is going to make me blind in one eye! I'm having a little mini meltdown about it...seriously.

So...let's get my mind onto something else. Buses....grr...I mastered getting to my destination solo today...and it was great. I took some photos...had some tea...returned to my little graffitied wall and copied down the whole paragraph that I had been so fascinated by 4 days ago. I continued onto the college where i was suppose to go rock climbing...however, i couldn't connect to the internet...i have no phone...and there I had no idea where I was suppose to meet the guy I was climbing with. On top of that...there was no gym/rock gym in sight, and my eye was not in good shape. So, I decided to head home since I was an hour early anyway. Thus begins my little adventure:

I got on the wrong bus...which I thought was the right bus...of course...otherwise why the heck would I have gotten on it? Anyhow...sitting on the bus for an abnormally long time...I realized we were way too far out of town and we were not turning around. Then, we pass this ghetto industrial area...nearly everyone gets off the bus and no one gets on. Update...at this point, we've been driving for about 20 minutes and it's me and 2 other people on the bus. Then, guess what?? We pass the Chilean junk yard..if I was fixing up a car...i. would have been super stoked to find this because it was filled with smashed cars...but at this point, I realized that i was totally in the wrong spot with no hope of return. The 2 others on the bus got off and no one else got on. Finally, I went up to the bus driver..."Hablar ingles??" He said "no"...of course!!! I tried desperately to explain in my broken spanish that I must have missed my stop...that I was lost and that I needed to get here..and I gave him the street. He was silent for a while...5 minutes later...he pointed to a bus that pulled up along side him and told me to get on. 30 minutes later, I was back in Vina with a 15 minute walk home. I had to pee so bad I nearly wet myself. I walked in the door, popped a bottle of wine (and on my opinion...i deserve the WHOLE bottle!), and took my contacts out. To my dismay this didn't help my blurry vision. So, here I am sitting at the computer...on my second glass of wine...blogging out my frustrations with half my vision. Grrrr...I am seriously trying so hard to dump my negativity...but it hasn't happened yet. Anyhow, who ever is reading this...thanks for listening.

My first coffee at 5pm

My problem: Chileans don't really drink coffee...they keep telling me it's a crazy gringa thing. Primarily they drink alot of tea. Unfortunately tea just doesn't do it for me....I'm just really dependent on my morning coffee.

My other problem: the closest coffee I know of "to-go" or with wifi is Starbucks! I feel rediculous going to starbucks in Chile...especially when I never go to starbucks at home. So here I am...AT STARBUCKS!...at 5:15pm and I keep wondering why I've felt so strange all day. The answer : I haven't had ANY coffee, and I'm gonna be honest...coffee makes me happy.

I slept in really late this morning, and I still feel tired (because I've had no coffee) but also because I am sun burnt. I went surfing yesterday. My friend Jamie and I met some new Chilean friends who like to surf so we drove in a yellow "mini-bus" to a town north of here called Mantacillo ( I think that's how you spell it). Anyhow, It was awesome. We got pulled over by the policia on the way for no apparent reason, and they kept us pulled over and looked over the car for like 20 minutes...again for no really good reason. We got to the beach and got in the water, which is MUCH colder than the oregon coast has been this summer. I nearly froze to death without booties...i was literally sitting in the water shivering after only 30 minutes. The best part is that the girl I was surfing with didn't speak any English, of course! So, it was an interesting time of her and I trying to communicate even about the simplest things....there was alot of hand motioning going on for sure.

Chilean independence holidays officially start next weekend (Sept 16-20). It's a pretty big deal. For example...there are already flags EVERYWHERE! The streets downtown have been closed off for little dance parties...they are selling little streamers on the street corners...and people are generally just in the mood to party. Yesterday, we got invited to spend the independence day weekend at the beach with our new friends....as they said it " you surf...you bbq...surf some more...bbq...surf...party..bbq...drink...dance...sleep" that was the English translation anyway. Funny. I'm exicited to be at the beach and not in the city, though. It will be more relaxing.

So, back to me right now, the good news is I'm drinking coffee. The bad news is...I'm meeting friends at yoga in 20 minutes, and my coffee just got cool enough to drink....and I'm walking to the class. The goal tomorrow is to get coffee before I do anything else...or maybe the goal for my trip is to not be so dependent on my morning coffee....

graffi on the wall....really??

My experiences since I've been here in Vina Del Mar have been interesting. The language barrier definitely creates alot of funny moments for me as I am trying desperately to communicate even if it just means slowing my English down because ...apparently..I speak too fast. It's kind of funny actually because I never would have noticed it before, but I do talk really fast.

I've been going to yoga at this yoga studio down the street since I arrived and I just signed up for a month. I plan to go daily unless I am traveling. It's actually a pretty amazing experience. First of all, it's ALL in Spanish, and it's great. I find that I can meditate, and I come out of these hour and half classes with a clear mind. For some reason whether I'm falling asleep half way through the class in shavasana or I'm rocking the whole vinyasa class until my arms feel like they're going to fall off, I'm really focused on my breath and there is no better description of my experience other than that my mind goes COMPLETELY blank. It's the coolest feeling.

This morning had a mini post arrival breakdown. The familiar question of "what the heck am I doing with my life?" crept up on me and I felt totally overwhelmed by it. Vina Del Mar is like the Miami of Chile. There is some culture but not alot. This evening we went to the town next to Vina called Valaparisio. I definitely got my cultural fix...from the bus driver who definitely had be drunk and was racing the other buses home tonight (mom don't be scared...i'm alive and well)....to this amazing town of color and art and small stone streets with lots of hills and old houses. I found this graffitied wall....it was titled "To Anna and Valparisio". I am going to go back and write the whole thing in my journal because it was amazing. It called to me on such a deep level, it nearly made me cry. At the end, it says "Yes Life...you are lovely my life...but do you know it? From now on, I will love the trees, the sky, the mountains, the ocean, and the stars..." It was like some traveler had this epiphany about their journey and where they were at and what they wanted, and maybe, they had no one to share it with (maybe because they spoke English)...so this person decided to write it on this wall. Anyhow, I'm going back...I took some pictures, and i'm going to write down the whole thing. I think it is so interesting how little people realize that everything they leave behind and do in life moves beyond them. It's beautiful.

we are all connected

Today I realized that the more i travel, the less i feel like i'm far from home. I flew into Santiago, Chile this morning...took 2 buses...and had about a 15 minute walk in town with all my suitcases before I got to my destination. The best part about this whole experience was that I didn't really feel like I was in another country (except for the fact that all of the kind people coming up to help me only spoke spanish). I felt completely and totally at home to the point where i just expected everyone to understand what i was saying. I love the fact that when you remove judgement...people are pretty much all the same. I mean we have different ways of thinking and doings to some extent depending on the conditioning of our culture and upbringing, but really at the core....we are all so similar.

I think i need to continue this tomorrow because I am literally falling asleep at the computer...I guess the news is...i'm here in chile...it's awesome. I feel like my life is exactly where it is suppose to be at this moment, and it feels amazing. I'm looking forward to many adventures.