Choices

What do I want?

I avoid answering this question all the time. When I attempt to give an answer to make it sound like I actually know what I want, It comes out as a contradiction. Here is the honest truth...are you ready??
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!
I don't know where I want to live, what I want to do when I grow up, who I want to spend the rest of my life with, where I want to go on vacation next, what I'm want to wear today, what I want to eat for dinner.....this list goes on.
I don't know why I have such a hard time deciding these things. Am I afraid of commitment? Am I afraid of missing out on something? Am I afraid that if i decide on one thing and then change my mind....that is it...I am stuck? I want to know what I really want, but I don't know how to figure it out. I change my mind constantly...so it's entirely possible that what I think I might want now could change by tomorrow...
I rest my case.

Crazy

I guess I just need to write more. I'm not sleeping at night...I have random thoughts running through my head about everything. Why can't I quiet my mind? Why does it seem so impossible to just sit still? I don't want to read...I don't want to write, but I sound crazy to myself when I try to express what I'm feeling to anyone else. Am I going to go through my emotional cycles forever? Is it just part of the cards I've been dealt in life? I don't want to believe it. I want to believe that I'm going to be better, and that I actually might be able to live and lead a normal (whatever normal is) life.
People keep telling me that I have to love myself first before anyone else can really love me. This whole concept is really confusing because I do love parts of myself, and I hate other parts of myself. Sometimes I annoy myself, and sometimes I surprise myself...in a good way. I make my self proud and I disappoint myself. There seems to be as much on the positive end as the negative end as far as "loving myself" goes. So do I love the negative? I find that hardly possible when all I can focus on is try to change these things. I don't think anyone really "loves" everything about themselves.....so...does that make them doomed to be unlovable for the rest of their lives?? How sad! It really can't be the case. But so far...my track record is proving this theory. I am supposedly loved when I'm on an "I love Natalie" high....and when do I get dumped?? When I'm on a "who the hell is this person inside of me??" low. I absolutely refuse to be positive when I'm not feeling that way. I think that is a complete denial of reality. But I don't know...maybe people want constant positivity...or people that are always down thrive off of constant negativity. The mental headache that this whole idea is giving me is almost worth taking a time out from the world for a while because I just don't want to deal with having to think about how I'm going to be.

This moment in time

This moment in time is gone.
This moment cannot be grasped...it can not be contained.
I am thinking about the last moment and I just missed my present.
Why do I wait for moments, and Why do I wish for moments that were?
The past haunts me like a shadow in this quiet moment.
This is my moment. This is now.
This moment is all I have, but I cannot have it.
This moment is all I really know, but I cannot be defined by it.
This moment has come and gone.
This moment goes by unnoticed.