always so much to do...in my head

Seriously...I am leaving in a day...I think I have so much to do, but what do i do? I pace around the house thinking about it...checking my list again...thinking about it some more...and do i get anything done? Well...not really that much. Then I think..."what if I just left now, and I didn't get any of this done??..Would it REALLY matter??" And I've officially decided that it really wouldn't matter. I mean who really cares if my room/my stuff is intricately organized. And I will survive if I don't have 3 sandwiches to take on the plane... What is the point in getting an almost due oil change on my car when it's going to sit for three months and have to get another one as soon as I get home? So see...my long list....kind of rediculous. I need to just let it go.

The most important thing to me, which is probably what I least want to be faced with, is the fact that I won't see my friends and family for three months. Which is fine...I've been gone for a year before, but it's always the same old story....saying goodbye. One time I was in Colorado visiting friends on a whim, and I left at midnight when they were all going to bed just so I didn't have to really say goodbye. Just... "goodnight and I'm leaving.." It was much much easier. Why do I hate goodbyes so much. I think we all just need to develop a funny, non-emotional way to do it...just to rescue all of us folks who feel silly when we get emotional and can't pull away once we let ourselves go to that place. I mean seriously, for me, the tears an emotions start welling up and suddenly, I just want to run out the door ...i don't know why...maybe because i feel so much emotion inside and i'm afraid where my emotion plus everyone else's emotion is going to take me.

When I get on the plane tomorrow, I know that I'm going to cry, but it's going to be a good cry because I'm reconnecting to the road I once traveled on so long ago. The road where I'm finding new adventures and growing from a place of wholeness...not trying to travel to find the answers to rescue myself from my very unhappy life. For the first time in a long time, I AM happy...I'm not trying to find any answers necessarily. I'm just opening up my heart so that life can happen again and I can embrace it.

Leaving a life behind...

2 days until I leave, and I wish I was leaving right now. I woke up this morning not feeling very well...physically, but also in my heart. I guess the best way to describe it is that I have an overwhelming sense of being in a state of limbo. It's good because it's real...it is where I am at. I will be leaving things behind here that I will have a hard time letting go of. But that's the beauty right? It seems like situations become unhealthy when you find yourself trying to grasp something so tightly because you are afraid if you let it go, you will loose it.

I'm sitting out on my deck in the freezing cold end of summer weather at 7am...and I've been up since 5am. I can't stop thinking about where I am at and what I am doing with my life. This is one of those mornings where I am doubting myself...where I sort of feel like a failure. I can talk myself out of these thoughts somewhat easily but they keep coming back. For instance...why have I not gone to school or started my own company, or been consistent with a job?? I have this desire in life to live so differently and even if it seems unreasonable, I refuse to take "no this is not the way you responsibly do things" for an answer. And so far, I've made it work. The thing is that people my age are going to school to actually make a diffence in the world...they are getting their masters and PHDs...they are buying houses, getting married, having kids....being frickin stable in life. Why do I have little to no desire for those things? Sometimes I like the thought of some of it, but just the thought...I realize that I don't actually want it yet. Or maybe, I just don't want to make the sacrifices in my life now to have it.

I just realized how hard it is going to be for me to say goodbye. I mean, it is always hard for me to say goodbye however this time it seems like it's going to be worse than usual. Mostly because i'm not running...not that I ever am literally running away from my problems, but alot of times I leave to escape a situation so that I can think clearly, and this time, there is really nothing to escape from. I have so much support at the moment...more than I've ever had prior to any trips I've taken. I feel so much love, and it feels SO good. I finally feel like I'm surrounded by people who get me...who love and support me for who I am without any expectation that I will ever change. It is refreshing. They say that love heals fear, and I feel like I'm very ready to kick my fears out the door, and truly live without being held back by them. So here I am ...today, August 29th, 2010...with a desire to live my life more fully than I lived it yesterday or the day before...

Chile

So, It's time...I'm leaving tuesday officially. It seems like when you're getting ready to leave there are always so many people, things, events, etc... that make you say..."oh..well...maybe i'll stay a few more days". One of my best friends just got married yesterday. I've spent so much time preparing for the wedding and waiting for her big day to come, and now that it's officially over, I've suddenly realized that I've been ready to leave on my own travels for about a month or two now. Like, I really could leave tonight and it wouldn't be a big deal. So....that is it...i'm leaving tuesday the 31st...the original date that I had picked to leave. I'm excited for this: not being about to see, imagine, or predict my future. It's interesting and sad to be in a situation where you can look at your life several years down the road and see exactly where it is going...i feel like i've pulled myself out of that, and now, I can't imagine anything but the next few days.

I had a sort of morbid thought a couple of days ago. I can't see myself living to old age....it doesn't really make me sad though. I've decided that the passing of time doesn't even bother me if I am living well and not holding myself back. I don't care when I die so long as I am thriving and staying true to the journey and the light that is in my heart.

So, off to Chile...and many adventures to come...