Leaving a life behind...

2 days until I leave, and I wish I was leaving right now. I woke up this morning not feeling very well...physically, but also in my heart. I guess the best way to describe it is that I have an overwhelming sense of being in a state of limbo. It's good because it's real...it is where I am at. I will be leaving things behind here that I will have a hard time letting go of. But that's the beauty right? It seems like situations become unhealthy when you find yourself trying to grasp something so tightly because you are afraid if you let it go, you will loose it.

I'm sitting out on my deck in the freezing cold end of summer weather at 7am...and I've been up since 5am. I can't stop thinking about where I am at and what I am doing with my life. This is one of those mornings where I am doubting myself...where I sort of feel like a failure. I can talk myself out of these thoughts somewhat easily but they keep coming back. For instance...why have I not gone to school or started my own company, or been consistent with a job?? I have this desire in life to live so differently and even if it seems unreasonable, I refuse to take "no this is not the way you responsibly do things" for an answer. And so far, I've made it work. The thing is that people my age are going to school to actually make a diffence in the world...they are getting their masters and PHDs...they are buying houses, getting married, having kids....being frickin stable in life. Why do I have little to no desire for those things? Sometimes I like the thought of some of it, but just the thought...I realize that I don't actually want it yet. Or maybe, I just don't want to make the sacrifices in my life now to have it.

I just realized how hard it is going to be for me to say goodbye. I mean, it is always hard for me to say goodbye however this time it seems like it's going to be worse than usual. Mostly because i'm not running...not that I ever am literally running away from my problems, but alot of times I leave to escape a situation so that I can think clearly, and this time, there is really nothing to escape from. I have so much support at the moment...more than I've ever had prior to any trips I've taken. I feel so much love, and it feels SO good. I finally feel like I'm surrounded by people who get me...who love and support me for who I am without any expectation that I will ever change. It is refreshing. They say that love heals fear, and I feel like I'm very ready to kick my fears out the door, and truly live without being held back by them. So here I am ...today, August 29th, 2010...with a desire to live my life more fully than I lived it yesterday or the day before...