always so much to do...in my head

Seriously...I am leaving in a day...I think I have so much to do, but what do i do? I pace around the house thinking about it...checking my list again...thinking about it some more...and do i get anything done? Well...not really that much. Then I think..."what if I just left now, and I didn't get any of this done??..Would it REALLY matter??" And I've officially decided that it really wouldn't matter. I mean who really cares if my room/my stuff is intricately organized. And I will survive if I don't have 3 sandwiches to take on the plane... What is the point in getting an almost due oil change on my car when it's going to sit for three months and have to get another one as soon as I get home? So see...my long list....kind of rediculous. I need to just let it go.

The most important thing to me, which is probably what I least want to be faced with, is the fact that I won't see my friends and family for three months. Which is fine...I've been gone for a year before, but it's always the same old story....saying goodbye. One time I was in Colorado visiting friends on a whim, and I left at midnight when they were all going to bed just so I didn't have to really say goodbye. Just... "goodnight and I'm leaving.." It was much much easier. Why do I hate goodbyes so much. I think we all just need to develop a funny, non-emotional way to do it...just to rescue all of us folks who feel silly when we get emotional and can't pull away once we let ourselves go to that place. I mean seriously, for me, the tears an emotions start welling up and suddenly, I just want to run out the door ...i don't know why...maybe because i feel so much emotion inside and i'm afraid where my emotion plus everyone else's emotion is going to take me.

When I get on the plane tomorrow, I know that I'm going to cry, but it's going to be a good cry because I'm reconnecting to the road I once traveled on so long ago. The road where I'm finding new adventures and growing from a place of wholeness...not trying to travel to find the answers to rescue myself from my very unhappy life. For the first time in a long time, I AM happy...I'm not trying to find any answers necessarily. I'm just opening up my heart so that life can happen again and I can embrace it.