Right now...for some reason...I feel so disconnected...from people, from home, from my life, and even sometimes from myself. I seriously sometimes look at my thoughts and my emotional state and think "who are you and what have you done with me??" The interesting thing is that those moments of feeling utterly disconnected make me notice when connection happens even if it is on an unspoken level. For example, I have made friends here in Chile...most of which speak very little to no English...yet we can hang out...even if very little is communicated and it is comfortable and fun. I have this one friend and her and I can hardly communicate with eachother, but our connection is so strong that when we smile at eachother, I can feel love; and when we give eachother a hug...it is a good hug...like one you give your best friend. I can go surfing with her and barely talk and know that both of us are having a great time.
It makes me wonder why people ignore connections. Why am I so desperate to connect? To something to anything...why can't I quiet that desperation? Is that a bad thing?..sometimes I make myself feel like it is. Why do I hate strong feelings? I do...honestly. I think that anything that makes me truly feel vulnerable in any way scares the crap out of me. I try so hard to protect myself from feeling too much or feeling too deeply. I want to have that wall so that I can't be hurt, and to a certain degree, so that I can't hurt others too much. Today I was walking on the beach...completely frustrated by my thoughts and my feelings...ready to have a little cry sesh for no really good reason, and I actually thought to myself, "Hmm...it would be nice if I had access to medication that would just numb these feelings..." I mean SERIOUSLY! What is my state of mind coming to that I would actually consider that? That's how people get addicted to drugs!
I have struggled with depression for 8 years now...and it sucks...let me just say. I spent the whole beginning of this year testing out different medications. Some of which worked...or worked for a little while, but mostly all of them just served as a bandaid for my real problems...or maybe i wouldn't call them problems...just things that I needed to address in my life. About a month and a half ago, I decided to take myself off the medication and for the most part, I am doing well...At first, I had to deal with drug withdrawls...which felt really wierd, and now, I just have to deal with the fact that I don't always feel numb, and sometimes that is hard. I am constantly reminded of how much I desire to harness the strength that I know I have as an individual. I guess that is the hard part because sometimes, I can be really motivated and positive towards the challenges I personally face in my life, and sometimes, I just want to crawl into a hole and have it all go away. The problem is that crawling into a hole makes me depressed. The honest truth is I need community, love, and support...and when i hide, I shut myself off from the world that I so desperately need to feel connected to. It's funny that when I'm in that state and I think I am helping myself, I am actually hurting myself more and ultimately, making it harder to get better. Anyhow, this is my struggle...this is my little demon that follows me where ever I go, and what I am realizing is that I need to re-enforce the voice of truth in my head so that I can quiet the lies when they come, and I need to get out of my head sometimes and embrace the world around me.
I was watching people take pictures today, and I thought to myself...how many pictures all over the world have me in the background? And what about the people in the background of my photos? Who are they...what are they like...what is their story? The world is SO much bigger than my personal life....why do I feel like the world is falling apart when I feel like I'm falling apart, and why do I think anyone cares enough to notice? That sounds really horrible, but it is one of my insecurities...when I'm not doing well, I think that everyone can see, but the truth is...NO ONE notices....so I don't have to feel insecure.
Now I've just spilled my guts in my blog...I'm really just having a moment and I needed to write about it. One thing I've realized is that sharing the good with the bad makes me feel whole because really in life...the reality is...there will be ups...there will be downs, and the beauty of friendship is that you have the freedom to expose both.
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