Inspiration

Hmm...yeah inspiration is something i am majorly lacking at the moment. I've got this major trip to Europe planned in the fall...or not so planned. Basically, I'm going...but don't know what i'm going to do yet. That is all still in the works. Why am I not excited?

I feel so trapped right now. In my head, in my life, in my heart...just trapped. I don't know how to get out, and some days i don't care. Some days, i just sleep alot so that i can escape in my dreams because in that world I can be anything or anybody, and i can say what i want to say. I am the hero in my dreams...I mean something in my dreams...I have great power and ability in my dreams...enough to make me proud of who I am. Then I wake up. In my real life...I have no home, no voice, no strength. I feel meaningless and invisible...i feel like if the wind blew hard enough my physical being could disintegrate into the breeze...and that would actually make me happy. To fly around with the wind in small particles...free...flying...looking down at everything and everyone. No one would see me...no one could hold me or trap me. I would truely be free to go where ever i want...enjoy whatever i want....without hurting anyone. Like mist...that sounds nice.

What i don't understand is why i let this happen to myself...why i become so weak and why i can not be strong. I try to speak and nothing comes out of my mouth...or i studder...STUDDER!! i have never studdered so much in my whole entire life! It would be nice if i could laugh at myself, but it's really not that funny.

All i know is that i want this to end. I want to be strong. I want to be happy, healthy, and vibrant. Right now, I'm not.